Women: you can't change men

As a result of my twitter rants, my personal blog and interacting with other young women; I get lots of calls, text messages, and emails asking for advice about hair care, shopping tips (I'm the queen of coupons, sales and shopping smart), skin care. But the most prevalent questions are about romantic relationship advice. This is quite ironic to me because I'm no relationship expert but I'm still kindly honored and humbled to be approached. As I read these emails/texts or talk to these women, there are quite a few patterns that emerge. I wont go into details, but these are the two most common dilemnas that come to sight:

1. He cheated on me. Should I stay or should I go? I don't want to lose him.

- Now, this question irks me. I have my own personal and sensitive opinions about such matter. I tend to keep my views on cheating and its repercussions to myself because they are so sensitive and its sort of a gray area. I don't know why he cheated and I don't know about the dimensions and history of your relationship. Unless I'm in your shoes I can't really know what you are going through. I've been there, been cheated on and lets just say "they" are in my past.
-The correct answer would be, leave him right? But hey I'm a woman and I know that when a female asks "should I stay or I should I go?" there's a great likelihood that she's going to stay. she just wants me to affirm and piggy back a decision she's already made. Hence, my response to such questions is usually " Follow your heart but also listen to your brain. sometimes what we feel and want isn't always the best for us. Just know your worth."

2. I met this guy (arbitary amount of time) ago and he made it CRYSTAL CLEAR from the get go that he just wants to be friends and is not looking for a relationship.[FLAG]. Fast forward a few months, years, later and he STILL doesn't want a relationship. But then we do everything as a couple, I'm practically and technically his girlfriend but he has completely refused to give me the title of "girlfriend". What should I do Linda? How can I CHANGE him and make him realize that I am what he needs and I'm his best option?

-*sigh* First of all, there's nothing like "practical and technical couples". You're either together, or you're not. And also, "sideline chics" is a myth. Toss it out your vocabulary. You either matter to him or you don't. He might have multiple girlfriends but only ONE of them matters. The rest are just members of his ego building society.

In terms of what you should do, its simple. YOU want a relationship, HE doesn't. MISMATCH. Now its different if he didn't make it apparent from the beggining about what he wants. BUT if he clearly uttered the words "I DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP" from day 1, then there is nothing you can do but move on. Let's stop pretending and be crude in our analysis here....go your separate ways. There's nothing complicated or deep about this situation. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
The whole "how do I change him?" question really frustrates me because I've been there. In fact, I don't know a woman over the age of 18 who hasn't been in this " I want to change a guy" situation.

Let me just put this out there for the the whole universe to know:  Dear Women and any other female species or neanderthals out there, Listen carefully; WE CANNOT CHANGE MEN. Say it with me, " WE CANNOT CHANGE MEN." You could be extremely beautiful, Intelligent, poised, elegant, brilliant, rich, exciting, a resident of another planet;YOU STILL CANNOT CHANGE A MAN. No human being has the innate capacity and ability to change another human. Stop trying. A lot of very beautiful women think their beauty is enough to trap a guy. Physical beauty does nothing but attract men towards you. It has no power to sustain a meaningful relationship. Using all your secret weapons like sex, money, great clothes, breast implants, booty pads, TRAPPIN HIM WITH  CHILD, crying and begging (this is truly blackmail and lowers your value. Men do not like being begged. The more you beg, the further away you push him) will still not work.

If you want to be an agent of change then go learn how to change a tire, or run for public office. You will be more sucessful at it.

If somebody, especially a man, has decided that they're going to live  certain way, do certain things and be with certain people; NOTHING you can do can deter them from their decision. What you're basically doing is insulting yourself, insulting him and disrespecting his individuality.

So here's my 2 cents opinion, and it goes for both Men and Women : The most you can do is catalyze a change. That means either the change was already going to occur and you came along, OR you inspired them to personally convict their inner self into changing. You cannot cause change. Stop trying to manipulate these men. Let them be. We are the ones getting miserable. The men are quite happy, if anything, I'm sure they sit at a bar somewhere and laugh at our useless efforts of trying to change them so they are getting what they want. You on the other hand are not getting what you want and you're spending time crying, listening to feminist songs and calling your girlfriends to whine about how he's a dog. You Probably have Beyonce's "to the left" on replay.

In conclusion, If you find a man who you think needs to be revamped;Stop. Like I said, you can't change him. Find a guy who actually has the qualities you are looking for. And also, stop getting hung on the "finished product guy". He might not be where he should be but he has the potential to get there. ITS ALL ABOUT POTENTIAL MY GIRLS.

P.S : some of the best relationships emerge from great friendships. Take it slow.  That's all I have for now.