My flawed glory

Greetings. As a result of never really introducing myself to my subscribers, I've been getting emails saying " tell me more about yourself." Here's the deal, self introductions are slightly pointless. Human nature dictates that I will either over/under sell myself. But since I love you all immensely, I'll just give in to this pseudo positive request. And now time to glorify myself:

Linda is my name but my friends mostly call me Lynn or Maserati. I'm living proof that you can bleed for 5 days and still not die. Born and raised in Kenya. No, Obama is not my uncle BUT we have a lot in common. My Dad is actually Luo,same tribe Obama's Dad hails from. So technically, Obama is my cousin. See, Told you he wasn't my uncle.

 If you have no idea about what Kenyans are all about just know we are the people who act like Jesus took Chapati and Kenyan tea at the last supper and said "do this in my rememberance." We are the holy grain of entertainment though. Don't believe me? that's fine. I'm a Biology major/chemistry minor who's aspiring to be a legal drug dealer, pseudo healer & executive nerd. Let's have a toast for all the science freaks.* pours α-D-glucopyranosyl-(1,2)- β-D-fructofuranoside* CHEERS. I tend to envy me, myself & I. Those three women are my best friends. I feel sorry for the lady at the nail shop that does my pedicure because my feet look like I went on an exodus through the desert with the children of Israel. In other words I'm a glorified neantherdal. Many humans claim I'm fun to be around.  The story of Adam & Eve makes me angry.When I get to Heaven, I will rip that lace front wig off of Eve's head and slap her. She should have never eaten the fruit. As for Adam, I will kick his balls.

I'm completely and utterly in love with my family. How so much virtue can dwell within these people I'll never know. My parents are my all and my siblings are my heartbeat. Since My mom and Dad aren't from the same tribe, I'm therefore Mixed. Yep Bi-racial. Wait, What? Nonsensical. I'm Bi-tribal, not bi-racial. Apologies, English is my 42nd language. I have 3 sisters, 1 brother and a niece. I have many Uncles and Aunties and an infinity number of cousins. This is not hyperbole, its the truth.

sidenote: When I was a kid, I was vile. my teeth looked like weapons of mass destruction. My mom still took me places. That's love.It all changed when I turned 10. Jesus gave me a makeover.

I despise adulthood ; It is basically childhood + taxes. I Sent an application to my childhood requesting to be taken back but I was rejected. *shrugs*
I don't have a megalomaniac mind, I just have an intense passion for the finer things in life. The gulf between my income and my needs and wants is so wide, it's not even funny. My taste is luxury but my pockets are economy. Split open an African woman and she'll bleed glamour. This has convinced me that shopping is actually in my genotype.My weaknesses (certain types of food, clothes shoes, jewelry and purses) are a recipe for obesity and debt.  Allow me to elaborte on this:

When I'm sad, I shop. When I'm angry, I shop. Pensive, I shop. Menstruating, I shop. Whatever my emotional/physical state its condusive to shopping. Sometimes shopping involves me randomly putting items in a cart, then emptying it, and going home. This is usually when my account is infested with many zeros. When I do actually shop, I move the decimal point to the left. For instance, $38 becomes $3.80. You should try it, it will make you feel better. Sartorial masturbation is amazing. I absolutely love shoe porn (the art of shopping for shoes you perverts).Since I haven't used my womb, my shoes are like my children. When I can't sleep at night, I count shoes, not sheep. The fact that shopping restores a balance in my spirit yet causes a great imbalance in my bank account is one of the evil ironies of life.

Food is like my cocaine. Good food is very seductive. Cake, chin chin, chocolate, french fries, e.t.c always do a striptease for me. My mouth gets horny and gives in to this sinful act. An explosion of flavors in my mouth usually leads to one epic mouthgasm. Bliss.com. My favorite globalized dessert is fried plantain, and ice cream sprinkled with chin chin. Ergo, grocery stores and restaurants are glorified strip clubs for our mouth and stomachs. Don't worry, I'm actually cooler than you think.

Sidenote: When a girl listens to Jeremih's "put it down" she evokes her inner black ghetto moves. Especially when 50 cents says 'get it, get it, work it, work it" she shakes her butt like a salt shaker. FIREWORKS!!! GBOSA!! just me? ok cool. coooool. Just me.

Now more serious stuff, I speak seven languages: English, Swahili, Luhya, Sheng, Sarcasm, Irony & humor.
 My blackberry is a woman by the name of Rantolaniqua. She loves to be fondled, has attitude like a witch & Knows all my secrets.
I tend to see value in people for who they are, not where they're from nor the color of their skin. I love spreading love and informed opinions. Still a 20 something trying to find her niche' in urban dystopia. I believe in a supreme being called God. I love church. Only problem is I often wear 6-inch heels to worship, hence I leave the altar spiritually healed but needing more physical healing than I came in. Oh the Irony.I enjoying writing, running, kickboxing, inspiring others, cooking, reading and uuhhmm...MUSIC. I love giving and I have a GREAT passion for charity work, especially if it benefits children from low income families. I've ran 3 half marathons (13.1 miles each) and I only run to benefit charity organizations.

Confession: I believe there's a fence between deep prayer & sleeping. I'm afraid I've made  few cross border violations more than once in church. I hope this doesn't jeopardize my salvation.

 Five major rules I live by

1. The only expectations you have to fulfill are those you've set for yourself. The Only gateway to success is to invest in your mind. The brain is indeed a powerful organ. Without it, we are essentially vapid creatures.

2. Be the best version of yourself. Authenticity is sexy. Faux modesty on the other hand is an ogress.
at the end of it all, humans are fallible creatures.

3. As a woman, I refuse to conform to society's misogynistic stereotype of what a woman should be. I have my own mind. I'm not a doll, nor a toy. I'm a complex, flawed human being who strives for excellence each day. Not perfect and never will be.

4. Pretend idiots are invisible. Never listen to anyone who graduated from the university of stating the obvious and oblivious.

5.Treat people the same way you want to be treated.

Someone would conclude I'm symptomatic of a generation who's discontent and captivated by the capitalism spell. Nope, I'm just fine. If you're finding yourself judging me, please dont. I already judge myself.

Words of wisdom : Every breath we take brings us closer to death. Macabre but true. Hence stop making everyone happy. its impossible. Focus on God and his purpose for your life. Be a positive influence to those around you and pursue your passion relentlelessly.

In conclusion, I am far from perfect, In fact I can be a curmudgeon. But I'm in the process of eradicating pessism, relinquishing fear & and embracing change. Optimism is indeed beautiful.
 
P.S. I'm not the result of a broken condom. I was purposely bred. (LMAO). Anyways, I beseech you all eat cake, brush your teeth three times a day and get waxed. Those are beautiful tips I just gave you. Drake (thank) me later. As I write, I'm craving for guavas.